On September 16th, 2008 I lost my job. I was 'let go'. It was the best thing to happen to me all year. In August 2007, I stood in front of my church family and told them of my dream to become a chef. I shared with them the release I'd finally gotten from Papi(God) to go after that dream. He said, "Go ahead, you'll be okay, I have everything you'll need. It's not going to be easy but don't worry; leave it to me."
My plan was to start classes part time that September, get a part time job, quit my full time job the following year, and then go to school full time. That was the plan, my plan. Papi said, "Let me know how that works out."
I got an amazing, very well paying, part time job in August 2007. I worked to save money for classes and the day I would quit my full time job. Because of the type of job I had, it was very difficult to start an evening class that didn't conflict with my sometimes irregular work schedule. As such, I didn't start classes until April 2008. When I wasn't working, I was working; I really wanted to quit. It's not that I didn't like my job. I'd been in the field for 23 years. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I wanted to do something I loved, not something I liked. Working just for the sake of it had lost it's appeal.
My closest friends at the office knew my plan and were an amazing encouragement to me. In August 2008 I started praying about quitting my full time job. I wanted to stick to my plan but God said, "Nope. Don't quit. You have some things to finish." That really wasn't all that cool with me, but then I started thinking about the money (for social services, the job paid really well), and the pension plan, maybe extending the timeline of my plan while I banked some more dollars. So, I hunkered down, put my nose to the grindstone, so to speak, and put my house in order as far as the job went. When I took two weeks off at the beginning of September, I was fully staffed, had support arrangements made for individuals, paperwork in order, and schedules done. I'd handed out performance appraisals, orientation forms, and anything else that needed to be done. Supervision dates were set, follow up meetings arranged... everything was set up and ready to go. I even took a few personal items home.
When I started my vacation, I had peace. I told my friends that it would be nice not to have to go back. I joked about being 'let go' because vacation was the perfect time for 'them' to find a reason to do so. We even prayed about it at cell group because I really felt like I wasn't going back to that job. I felt so much peace about not being there. During our conversations, I told Papi that it would be cool if they gave me a package and let me go; 8 weeks pay, plus lieu, vacation, and lieu of notice would be cool.
On September 16th, my first day back from vacation, I was asked to attend a 9am meeting. No information just 9am in the small boardroom. It was me, my director, and the HR director. My director turned to me and said, "We're terminating your employment. As per your contract you can be dismissed without cause with two weeks in lieu of notice. Keith (the E.D.), has approved a generous package for you. You're a good person; just not suited to this position."
Her comments didn't bother me. I'd been there for two and a half years. If after that much time, someone had just discovered that I wasn't suited to the position, I wasn't the incompetent one. My last performance review was fantastic, I had no letters of discipline on my file, and when I inquired how my performance was and what was needed to improve I was told that I was doing a great job, and this was the day before I went on vacation from the same person giving me pink slip! My integrity was, is, intact.
The best part of the dismissal meeting was reading the letter. The 'generous package' included lieu of notice, vacation pay, lieu, and 8 weeks pay. All I heard from there on in was, "Wah wah wah, wah wah wah wah." All I could think was, "Papi! You rock!" I drove straight to George Brown and registered for Theory of Food 1. Woohoo!!!

Papi says, "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out--plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." (Jer. 29:11 The Message) He says, "Trust in [Me] and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in [Me], and [I] will give you your hearts desires. Commit everything you do [to Me]. Trust [Me], and [I] will help you." (Psalm 37:3-6 New Living Translation)

So now, I am unemployed. Did you know that Employment Ontario provides funding for eligible EI recipients to return to school? They provide funding for living expenses, books, and tuition; up to $28,000. Fancy that...

I Am Not Dead

There's so much to say. My head is filled with thoughts and ideas and musings... I find it difficult to compartmentalize all that takes place inside my brain...
No, my blog is not dead. Just still...

Quit Already! Jeez!

I don't understand why people don't just quit a job. I mean, you're miserable and your misery is making me miserable. Why not just quit? Go. Find greener pastures. I release you to your wind. Why stay and make a ruckus when you could quit and give me some peace and quiet? I don't understand why. If the pay is soooo bad, and the working conditions soooo poor, and you're soooo dissatisfied, you would stay and continue to subject yourself to such hardship (not to mention, me to your whining). I mean, I'd understand if it was something to make a ruckus about. I think everybody should be an activist. But sometimes it's okay to just move on. Would you? Please? Move on? Go? Be happy in a different place, away from here, and me.

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

What Would Jesus Do?

I've been thinking a lot about the role of the Church in our world today. At work, we do a lot of things in reaction to current situations. I am frustrated that we are not much more proactive in our thinking and actions. I feel that the Church is the same. Like an inept physician, we treat symptoms rather than the whole disease.
We cannot legislate morality. It does nothing to change behaviour and bring people closer to God. That is not to say that we should remain quiet. However, if we focused on the root rather than its fruit (no pun intended) I believe we would be more effective.

"People are the solution to the problems that confront us. Technology is not the solution, although it can help. We are the solution--we as generous, open-hearted people who want to use our creativity and caring on behalf of other human beings and all life.

Relationships are all there is. Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals who can go it alone.

We humans want to be together. We only isolate ourselves when we're hurt by others, but alone is not our natural state. Today, we live in an unnatural state--separating ourselves rather than being together.

We become hopeful when somebody tells the truth. I don't know why this is, but I experience it often.

Truly connecting with another human gives us joy. The circumstances that create this connection don't matter. Even those who work side by side in the worst natural disaster or crisis recall that experience as memorable. They are surprised to feel joy in the midst of tragedy, but they always do.

We have to slow down. Nothing will change for the better until we do. We need time to think, to learn, to get to know each other. We are losing these great human capacities in the speed-up of modern life, and it is killing us.

The cure for despair is not hope. It is discovering what we want to do about something we care about."

-Margaret Wheatley's "What I Believe..." from Turning to One Another: Simple Conversations to Restore Hope to the Future

I don't agree with the entirety of this quote. The cure for despair is the Father's love. He's the one who designed relationship. He's the reason we crave it...

People are searching for something. They want answers. So why are they so ready to listen to the Dalai Lama rather than the people God has sent? Why are we still trying to get people to know God in church? What happened to loving the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength? What happened to loving your neighbour as yourself? What happened to doing what Jesus would do rather than asking what Jesus would do? Why don't we follow his example more often? Why do we spend so much time hiding in our prayer closets? Maybe we should come out of the closet?
I don't really have the answers to these questions. I'm not at all perfect. In fact, my astounding imperfection makes me appreciate God's grace that much more. What I do know is that I met Jesus because someone spent a year loving me as I was. She modeled Jesus to me and I was attracted to him. I didn't meet Him in church. I met him in my room after watching a video. There was no alter call, no guilt, just a knowledge that He loved me and wanted me to be with Him.
I've realized that there are a lot of people like me out there who just don't want to hear a diatribe on the virtues of heaven and the perils of hell. But they'll respond very well to someone who builds relationship with them and actually models Jesus. I don't have it down yet, but one day...

-Me

I'm not saying, I'm just saying I don't think Jesus would be signing petitions. Maybe that's just me...

More Thinking...

I was going to post something original but I read through my blog and realized that there really is nothing new under the sun. I have thought all these things before and ponder them again.

The more I change, the more I want to change. The closer I get, the closer I want to get.

Different

I want to be different.
I want to slough off an outer layer. I want to shed a skin. I want to have clear eyes that open to see impossible things. I want to have an unfettered heart that explodes in ecstacy each time the sun rises and sets. I want to have ears that wiggle at the sound of someone singing off key. I want a nose that smells how fragrant that off key song is. I want hands that feel minute texture. I want to be different. I want to be wide eyed and young and simple. I want to be surprised and overjoyed and overwhelmed. I want to wake up everyday and live like it's the first and last day I'll have.
I want to be different. -Me

Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver -The Summer Day

Thinking (too much?)

"Like anyone would be I am flattered with Your fascination with me.
Like any hot blooded woman I have simply wanted an object to crave.

- Uninvited, Alanis Morrisette

I crave You...
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I am not emotionally expressive but I feel deeply. My fear of vulnerability is greater than my need to show you the inside, now... in time...
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Sex and the City was a great movie, even though I saw way more flesh than I would have preferred. I long for friendships like that... I want someone to brave the subway and bad weather just so I won't be alone on New Years...
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I'd do almost anything for a smoke right now.

Phantom Disconnect Pains

I want to liken disconnecting my cable to losing a limb but I think that would trivialize the experience of amputees (I think I just did it anyway).
I've cut off my cable. No more PVR (Personal Video Recorder). No more time shifting. No more, "Pause that, I have to go to the loo!" or, "Did you see that part! Rewind". I'm quite pleased to have eliminated the expense of cable (and some of the other problems that come with cable telly).
But... something odd is taking place. I want to liken it to phantom pains but, well...
I sit down, pick up the remote, and turn on the telly. Curious, I know. I also repeatedly press the channel up and channel down buttons, searching for... something...
Rogers Cable does not yet seem to have realized that I have discontinued my service (I was sure to inform them and they were sure to come and fetch their equipment so I'd say they are aware). As such, I am still privy to the Food Network.
I've also realized that one without digital cable or a PVR or time shifting will flip channels and watch the first attractive thing one encounters. I've found that The Weather Network is surprisingly informative (and hypnotic), Brain Battle is a disaster you just can't tear your eyes away from, MuchMusic and MTV should be rated NC-18, and the shows on the French channels seem really exciting (I wish I'd paid attention in french class).
I've cutoff the cable but still behave, to some extent, like I still have cable. Curious. Perhaps I need to cutoff my TV? What then?

Riddle Me This

Lost is in its 3rd, 4th season? They're trudging through the sand day in and day out getting an incredible workout. They're living on the ultimate low carb diet of coconut water and fish. So why then is dude still fat?

Evil Triumphs

I realized something about myself today. I have what some would consider a fatal flaw. I am a vigorous advocate. I've decided that this is my virtue.
I know that I will always defend those without a voice. I will always stand with those who can't fight alone. I will always speak out against injustice. I will always question self serving commands. I will always confront those who bully others into silence. I will always challenge those who gain power through condescension. I will always question what I don't understand.
I know who I am. I know what I'm worth. I will not let anyone diminish that.

"The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" - Edmund Burke

I will not be a spectator.